My survival story from Ukraine War, the memories that torment me every day

in blurtlife •  3 months ago 

I had a very long tiring shift today. For others, it was a weekend but for me, it was a work day. The good thing is I am getting paid but not extra. As I work in a 4-star hotel restaurant kitchen so during weekend, it always busy. I had to start my shift today at 6.00 am and I was feeling completely devastated after 8 hours of work. I hardly was able to move my legs and I felt like my body and muscles were tearing apart. The pain was unbearable and I had to take a double pain killer today. From breakfast till lunch I was constantly working though I had 30 minutes break. That 30 minutes break is almost nothing compared to the amount of work I do.

Today something happened. During break time I was having a cup of tea and a cigarette (here a cigarette is very expensive though). Suddenly I was having a flashback and found myself in the middle of the evacuation train in Ukraine during the war. It was like I was back on the train (hallucinating) and the whole picture of my struggle was in front of me. It's hard to forget what I had to see and experience in life, the horrible experience on the evacuation train fleeing from the war zone is unforgettable.

I will never forget those 40 hours in my life. 21 hours I was on the evacuation train, scared. I was able to manage a small sitting space for myself which was only 15 inches, I was scarcely able to move or sit. I was kind of stuck near the window of the train and Gigi was with me also. I remember in that 21 hours, I didn't get a chance to drink or eat something, and I was not able to go to the toilet because the toilet was full of people. The passengers on the train were very rude and panicked. Of course, war broke out so everyone was trying to flee and survive, wanting to save their life. So do I...

My experience from Kharkiv to Lviv on the evacuation train was horrible and scary. The entire experience sometimes haunts me and I cry silently. When I reached Lviv (train station), I was not so sure where to go. It was 3.00 am in the morning/midnight and there was no help on the cold winter night. Volunteers came at 6.00 am but before that, I was sitting on the street of the train station with Gigi. I was feeling like a homeless and it is true that I seemed like a homeless person. I still cry every day thinking about why I had to go through all this. If I were in Bangladesh or in another country, probably I didn't have to see all these. Trust me the street where I was sitting at Lviv station was so dirty that I was about to vomit. On the other hand, Gigi was untrained, stressed, and panicked because of the war situation and she was not stable and calm at all. She was pulling me all the time and wanted to run away.

I remember I was trying to find a taxi or bus to reach to Poland border but I didn't find anything at that moment. I was completely alone with my dog and I had no energy left because of 21 hours of journey. I was about to faint but I was thinking that I have to reach the border at any cost. When volunteers came I managed a bottle of water and a toilet. Lol...The queue in front of the toilet was insane, it was a long queue. Lviv train station was overcrowded and it was a crazy situation. I don't know how I survived and made this whole journey, I was never capable of doing such things in life. And I cry almost every day thinking about everything.

I had to face the military (not volunteers) at Kharkiv railway station and all I can say is that it was so scary and awful incident for me. Because I am not white, I don't look like a Ukrainian no matter what my resident status in Ukraine. One man from defense even threatened to shoot me and my dog on the spot if I don't leave my dog.

I changed, my life changed and my mentality changed. I know many people in life have never experienced such tragic moments as I did. I never knew what a war situation looked like until I experienced it by myself. Yes, right now I am safe and healthy, I gave Gigi safe and good life but I still feel empty. Some dark memories in life are indelible and they will stay with me my entire life.


I guess I will never be able to be normal like before...

Thank you so much for reading the post...



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Unfortunately, those memories will always be with you but in time their impact should ease. The nightmare will change your life that is for sure. Hopefully in time the gratitude for surviving will out weigh the effects of the experience.. I am glad you are able to write about it. Writing it has a way of sorting things out.

Writing always helps me a lot and the feedback I get genuinely helps me to think positively and see the other side of the scenario. After losing all and what I have been through or going through, I decided to ease out my pain a little bit through my writing.

I have always heard that working in a kitchen is very hard.

The hallucinations thing sounds like a part of PTSD, but I'm not a specialist, so it's worth seeking help in that area.

The memories you narrate are truly terrifying. That of wanting to shoot Gigi is unforgivable, really extreme situations bring out the deepest part of each person.

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